How I got into Christian Ministry, Pt1 - Human Diseases

When I was a sophomore in high school (that's year 10 for you non-Americans) I took an elective class called "Human Diseases". I thought it would be so cool. SARS and the Bird Flu had been in the news the last couple of years (this was the early 2000s) and we were just starting to hear about this freaky epidemic called "Mad Cow Disease", which was caused by some kind of weird virus that infected cows' brains. The media did its part to drum up fears among the populace by reporting on the possibility of the virus (technically a prion) spreading to humans and they kept furtively winking at the idea of maybe a real life zombie outbreak. In the same year, the actual zombie movies 28 Days Later and Resident Evil were reviving the genre in Hollywood after a long absence.

All this is to say that I thought taking this class was going to be epic. I was picturing dramatic stories and graphic images. Gory stuff. Bleeding eyeballs and chest bursting and things of that nature. Don't judge me too harshly; I was only a teen.

The class turned out to be a HUGE disappointment, at least to me. The teacher managed to present the information in the dullest way imaginable. She might as well have been reading out of a textbook. Disease name, etiology, symptoms, diagnosis, treatment and management, and the REALLY boring stuff, i.e. the numbers stuff: Epidemiology, prevalence, population statistics, etc. No graphic images, just tables and charts and one TINY picture of a guinea worm being removed from some guy's foot (Warning: unless you're a gross teenager like I once was, do not google "guinea worm being removed from some guy's foot"). 

I struggled through the class while trying not to be jealous of my friends who chose ballroom dancing for their elective. Almost at the end of the semester, I finally talked to one or two of my classmates and asked them why they were taking the class. That was when I found out that every other student in that class was Pre-med, except me. My dumb ass was the only one who signed up for Human Diseases because I wanted to learn something interesting. 

Imagine that. A class room of 15 year olds and every single one of them were already on a path. They all knew where they wanted to be, how they wanted to get there, and what they needed to do today in order to end up in the right destination. They were all driven and focused. They set aside everything else that would distract them and prevent them from succeeding. They all had a plan and a will.

Except me. I just liked learning cool stuff. 

I was embarrassed, and honestly kind of ashamed about this for years. I've often written in the past about the pressure cooker of academic performance that deformed me. After years of reflection, I've come to realize that it was never about what was explicitly spoken. I didn't have tiger parents; they were actually pretty supportive, all things considered. But if you're the only fish that's just kind of chilling while every other salmon is vigorously fighting to get upstream, giving all they've got, it still leaves an imprint on you. It Others you. 

In my last year of high school, this Othering escalated to a critical level as everyone started applying for colleges. I kid you not, to this day, I still have NO IDEA how my classmates knew which schools they wanted to go to. There are more than 5000 universities in the U.S, and keep in mind that it's pretty customary for American Uni students to move out of State for college, which means that any of those 5000 universities can be a possibility for any student. The top of the bell curve all knew they were going to shoot for Ivy Leagues and the bottom of the bell curve were all likely going to stay local and go to city colleges, but the meat of the bell curve, of which I was a member... It felt like everyone around me had a plan. Actually, I know you're reading this Tony. I never did ask you, but now's a good time as any... like, what made you choose Delaware? What factors went into it? How did you already know what you wanted to study and what you wanted to do with your life? What was your plan, how did you get it, and why didn't I ever get one?

I had no idea what I wanted to do. And I internalized that as laziness. I wasn't driven. I lacked. I was smart, but didn't apply myself.

You see what I did there? I took a neutral personality trait of mine and for some reason I assigned negative moral value to it. 

• I, an 18-year old kid, didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. 
• I am lazy and unambitious. 

One is a morally neutral fact. The other is a character flaw.

One is a statement. The other is a judgment. 

One describes a current and temporary state of affairs. The other describes a permanent fate.

I definitley felt very different to my peers when I was younger. I felt like a misfit. And to this day when I think about the church friends I grew up with at Boon I struggle with resentment that not a single one of them ever said to me, "Hey, you're okay" "It's not that you CAN come along with us, I actually WANT you to". 

Maybe I am being unfair to them. For one thing, I'm sure many of them also struggled to fit in for their own reasons. After all, that's how loneliness works. It's one of the few things that, by its very nature, everyone can be doing together and still be doing it alone. Isn't that funny? A whole bunch of people going through life together feeling the same way but each feeling like they're the only ones who feel that way. 

I was needing someone to come along and tell me that I wasn't wrong for being me. That "obsessive and driven and academically excellent" are shit measures of my worth as an individual. I needed someone to tell me that even if I wasn't okay, I would be made okay, not through my own efforts but through the unconditional love of a generous Savior.

Many years ago, I became sure that my life's work would be to tell people who don't feel okay that they are okay. 

• "You are known"
• "You are accepted"
• "You will be found"

But there's no power in those statements if it's only a false promise. You don't have to go into ministry to say this stuff. ANY loser like me who's somehow risen above his circumstances can go around giving assurance to other losers. There are those who genuinely try to help these aimless young misfits, and then there are those who prey on them. 

So here's my answer, part 1: I got into ministry because I found that there was only one person in the heavens or on the earth who can make you whole by saying to you, "You are known and accepted". There is only one way that you can be known by Someone and have it transform and heal you. And the only thing I had ever found worthwhile or interesting in my life was the pursuit of getting this message out to as many lost sheep as possible. Nothing else was worth my time or interest. Not even human diseases. 

Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.